How to get what you want

Take some good advice for a fucking change.

Think about something about yourself that’s not only a stressor, but a pattern. What’s that thing you obsess and worry over all the time? Want to never think about it again without having to go get your head shrunk? Listen to me if you want to listen to yourself.

That nagging in your brain – what is it? Name it. What’s the desire? What’s the missing link keeping you from your goal? What’s your (gasp!) problem?

Good. You’ve identified it. Great. Now, what are you doing about it?

However you’re currently handling it is either good for you and your goals or it’s a distraction. Period. Plain and simple. Say this to yourself a million times. You’re either making moves or making excuses.

Shed the dead-weight and start fixing things.

Don’t let anyone fool you with their “constructive criticism” when they tell you that you’re just “finding your own path to success.” It’s cynicism. You’re fucking up and you know it and so do they. If they’re sugarcoating things for you, it’s selfish. They’re just basking in the sweet reality that they’re not the only ones who have wasted time in their lives. It’s a sick, childhood bubble of “YAY! You’re special, my little snowflake!” Melt it down.

Some think that there are no mistakes. Guess what? There are mistakes and I bet you’re making some in your life. Regret is worthless, yes. But, mistakes exist. Why? Because you’re distracted by everything except what needs work. You’re covering up the rot, when you should be gutting it.

You need guts first. I’t not easy to stand up to yourself. You’ve been on your side for your whole life. But, sometimes you’re just not being brave enough to face your mind.

Those voices in your head that flash the same failed solution synapse to synapse – they’re fucking your over.

Listen to how stupid you sound:

“Ugh, I’m stressed out! I need a cigarette!” Yeah, cancer isn’t stressful or anything.

“Fuck! I have so much work to do! I need a drink!” That will surely help productivity.

“Why won’t he call me back? I’ll text him 38 messages asking why.” Good idea, stalker.

“I need to lose weight so I can be confident.” There’s nothing like starring at your flaws in a huge gym mirror surrounded by a bunch of meat-sticks to bolster your self-esteem.

“I’m not getting enough attention. I’ll just make out with some random person tonight.” Ah, oral herpes – that’s a sure fire way to get those heads to turn! Work that blister.

“I’m not getting invited out by my friends. I’ll start acting weird and distant so they feel bad for me and take me out.” Always a winner. Have fun growing into the woman from Misery. Stay away from the stairs.

“I need a (better) job, so I’m going to bitch and moan to every person I know about how I hate my life and have no money.” Sounds like someone I want at my work place! I know of a position and I’ll put in a good word to my boss! This is so exciting! Sit next to me!

“I wish I had a girl/boyfriend. I’ll sit at home by myself and cry about it most nights and then other nights, I’ll slut myself around in shithole establishments to anyone willing to share some body heat with me.” Is that how your parents met? Screw eHarmony.

You get what I’m saying. It’s obvious. You already know that if you want change, you have to actually try. You just keep playing this movie in your head that works to convince you that magic will happen. One day, sitting at home on your ass will actually make you more thinner/happier/productive/etc. It’s not going to fucking happen. The same people that think that are the ones who buy shit on infomercials. There’s no magic cure, babe.

Stop that skipping record and play a new song. It’s driving you nuts (Is that an 80’s ballot? Shut it off).

If you want to stop acting so lazy, stop smoking weed at noon everyday and needing a nap by 4pm.

If you want love or romance, try smiling once in awhile and hide the Grendel’s-mother-look from the people who smile at you.

If you want to look better, eat a fucking fruit or vegetable for damn change. Grilled cheese and fried chicken are not going to make you look like a model. Who knew?

Seriously, though: real talk. If you want to be motivated, make sure it’s for something you actually want in the end. Sometimes, what we think we want as a result is far from we really want. We end up fighting ourselves because we don’t know what we want. Think about why you want something not what you desire. Once you know, work on it. Until then, focus on something you’re sure you want. Even, if it seems too simple. If you have yet to achieve it, keep plugging away. Just be true to yourself with each step.

There are plenty of flowery, stupid quotes that say “it’s not about the destination, but the journey!” and maybe that’s true on a cruise ship, but here in the real world – you need to want what you’ve worked for. You don’t want to bust your ass for 6 hours making a glamorous, tiered cake only to find out that you fucking hate red velvet.

You’re in control. Just keep it simple. Go with something you cannot contest.

You might want to never have to wear pants again and dance around your room all day, while occasionally writing things down and call it a career. You can make that work, if it’s what you really want.

Hell, I’m doing it right now.

 Leigh Greaney can be reached at lgreaney@thoughtpollution.com.