Take some good advice for a fucking change.
It’s been a few years and you two don’t talk, but you still think about them. CODE RED! Run for the hills! It’s a case of mental and sometimes physical retardation that only love can create. The chemicals that he or she got spinning in you are addictive, sugar. You’re just remembering your old, bad habit and you’re nostalgic for that high.
Guess what? That “high” fucked your best friend and then broke up with you while you were studying abroad. Still miss them? Yeah? You’re officially a fucking idiot.
Here’s the basics: If you broke up, it’s for a reason. A relationship that’s working correctly doesn’t break. You can’t make a cake with a blender that’s been smashed with a hammer. You need a new blender, babycakes.
Still under the illusion that it’s your face behind their eyelids before they drift into sleep? Guess again. In most post-relationship scenarios, they’re already sleeping with someone else. No imagination needed. Single people flock to those who just got out of a long relationship.
They’re just a relationship clean-up crew and they are definitely thinking at least one of these thoughts before they fuck you:
“JACK POT! WOO!”
“Wow, their ex is hot. If they like me, I’ll be as hot or maybe even hotter than that guy/girl! I can feel my self-esteem again. Whoa!”
“I better get them before someone else snatches them up! They’re obviously desirable. They had someone interested in them for years!”
“I bet they’re feeling really vulnerable right now. I bet I can get with them really easily.”
“Maybe they want to get back at their ex? I’m so desperate. They’re so desperate. I’d let them use me while I use them.”
Turns out, lots of people with freshly broken hearts are vulnerable and desperate. They haven’t had their love “fix” and they need it. Thus, the idea of the “rebound” is born.
Now, think of your ex fucking someone else. Still think they’re thinking about you and dreaming that they are? Or is that fairytale up in flames yet? Should be.
If you were ever together again, would it be the same? Answer: hell fucking no. If any time that exceeds a few days after a break-up goes by, you’re not ever going to have the same life with that person. Things are already different. You’ll do nothing but badger yourself with questions.
“When we were apart, I wonder if they hooked up with someone else? I wonder if they liked it better than what we do? I wonder if the person they possibly hooked up with is better looking? I wonder if they’re better in bed? I wonder if my ex told them something personal about me out of anger? I wonder if our mutual friends know something that I don’t? I wonder what people are keeping from me? Ugh, I hope they didn’t put our sex tape online for money. Would he/she do that to me? Did they ever really love me? What was so bad about me that we had to break-up? Why couldn’t we just get along? Everything was so good – what changed?”
You’ll go fucking crazy.
If the decision has been made (by you or your ex), then stick with it. Unless you have a child together, the only thing keeping you from going your separate ways is your own insecurities. Don’t play the I-hate-myself game. You always lose.
Play the I-love-myself (sometimes literally, if need be) game. Chances are you need some practice because you’re definitely stressed out and need to calm the fuck down. Do what makes you happy. Maybe you haven’t done it in a long time because your ex hated it?
Decide that you and this person are not meant to be. There’s nothing left but a soundtrack and some memories. Hold these in your heart, not your head. Don’t think about them. Feel it. Learn about what made things go well and repeat those patterns in your future relationships. Learn about what you fucked up and look within yourself for why.
Love how strong you are and love how desirable you’ll continue to be for whatever reasons you are.
Whatever you do:
Avoid 3am phone calls (you know I mean drunk dials) with your ex.
Avoid looking through old pictures.
Avoid The Notebook and similar verklempt feelings from movies .
Avoid making mix-tapes.
Avoid any pop-punk or overly sentimental (you know I mean emo) songs and lyrics.
Embrace writing things down that you don’t show anyone else.
Embrace time with friends who don’t piss you off.
It’s not rocket-science, people. Don’t try to get back together. Just don’t. Love yourself more.
Who eats stale bread? Throw that shit out and buy a new loaf. It’s much healthier for you. This isn’t an episode of Friends. This is your life. Lucky for you, there are millions of people out there. Go get one who didn’t already break your heart. Then and only then can you two ever talk again as “friends” or anything else without more heartbreak.
Leigh Greaney can be reached at lgreaney@thoughtpollution.com.