No Surprise: "Pretty Girls" Went Down In Flames

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If you haven’t already heard this monster, I’m sorry to ask you do this, but check it out:

This is the brand new release from former child pop star turned incapacitated-joke-of-a-human being, Britney Spears and accent faking Aussie with a huge ass, Iggy Azalea. After the success of Iggy’s last chart-topper, “Fancy,” that featured pop sucktress Charli XCX, color me shocked: Spears wanted in on the check-cashing. In a failed attempt to create a “summer banger” to follow up the Iggy + scantily clad pop star combo,  the media machine churned out “Pretty Girls.”

With the same man-spanking, I’m-going-to-dominate-your-life-with-my-vagina lyrics as that chunky chic’s (relax, the one thing I like about her is her shameless approach at body image – I just fucking hate her music) “Dear Future Husband,” this song makes any TRUE feminist (read: equal, not better than) person want to throw up while chugging whatever form of alcohol is closest. Goodbye cruel world. My stomach can only handle so much of this nauseating pussy-whip complex.

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Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics:

“All around the world, pretty girls
Wipe the floor with all the boys
Pour the drinks, bring the noise
(It’s Iggy-Iggs!)
We’re just so pretty!
All around the world, pretty girls
Jump the line, to the front
Do what we like, get what we want
(Where you at, Brit?)
We’re just so pretty!”

I’m sorry you had to go through that, first of all. Second of all, WHAT IN THE BLEEDING CHRIST IS THIS NONSENSE?

I’ll attempt to translate:

Pretty girls are everywhere (not just in America – who fucking knew?)

All of these girls (not women) are better than boys (and men) and love to humiliate them publicly.

Getting drunk and being obnoxious is one of many ways to get attention

FUCKING IGGY AZALEA IS IN THIS SONG. DID YOU REMEMBER THAT?

Again, to repeat, hott girls can be found all over the world. Shocker.

These babes get whatever they want and cut the line at clubs because they’re better than less attractive women and all men.

They were born with the right to be elitist fucks because, well, fucking look at them. 

OH YEAH, THAT CRAZY BITCH BRITNEY, WHO SHAVED HER HEAD BALD ONCE FOR PUBLICITY AND IS RUMORED TO BE A TERRIBLE MOTHER, GIRLFRIEND AND PERSON IS IN THIS SONG TOO! WHHHHAT? I REMEMBER THAT SONG “HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME?” (Shit, was that about domestic violence? Uh ohhhh…)

They’re hott! Jesus, what are you not getting?

Even better than the lyrics, look at this cover art:

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So, let me get THIS straight: These girls are so hott; they’re basically aliens. Fuck “women are from Venus, men are from Mars,” these babes are visiting SATURN. Hell, Britney is riding on the top of a rocket. It’s most likely pussy-powered and totally green.

I’m sure it was a shock to both of these pop princesses when their spaceship ran out of gas, after only being on iTunes Top 20 for 5 days. Hardeep Phull of The New York Post called the single “tragically bad” and added, “Remember 2014, when music was better? Iggy Azalea obviously does, and that’s why her long-awaited Britney Spears collaboration has turned out to be a woefully formulaic rehash of last summer’s smash ‘Fancy.’ Flimsy electro breaks, Britney’s plastic sassiness, and another inane Iggy rap make this an embarrassment for all concerned.” Finally, someone who gets me. The problem is, Phull gave this steaming pile of dog shit a half star. I would have gone into negative numbers, due to how much it takes from it’s listeners.

It takes the power from women. It takes the power from men. It takes the power from music in general, along with the industry at large. We’ve allowed the Nickelback travesty to continue. How’d the hell did we wind up like this? Okay, you get the point.

Just when it couldn’t get any worse:

You don’t need be a fly on the wall of this storyboarding session to know exactly what was said:

Okay, so let’s rip of the Clueless theme of Iggy’s “Fancy” video

But’s let’s put it in the 80’s! OMG LIKE BIG, CRIMPY HAIR ON IGGY!

Let’s one up that and make Iggy from SPACE! She can have have special powers because she’s SO FUCKING HOT. 

LOLZ TOTES! As long as there’s a jeep in it. 

Well, it’s Britney video, so there like HAS to be a triangular-formation dance club dance routine with Brit at the top of the triangle. Like, duh, right?

LIKE TOTALLY! Can there be a car wash scene and money everywhere like a rap video? 

FOSH, but we NEED to do a cut of Iggy being a FUCKING ALIEN! 

OMG this is like already the best video ever. Let’s have the pretty girls (DUH LIKE IGS AND BRIT!) beemed up to the mother ship of hot bitches at the end. ForGET skipping lines, they’re about to get like extraterrestrial-FUCKED. YAS QUEEN!

In other words, the video is recycled trash, too, and it sure doesn’t make any calls to action for feminism of show an signs of critical thinking. It’s a degrading, overproduced waste of money.

Let’s all voice our concern by calling it out when we see it and not give these assholes any money. Don’t listen to music injected with gender-fueled hate. Don’t listen to music that is trying to get away with selling a “formula.” Don’t listen to music designed to sell you shallow, meaningless blather. Listen to something else. Anything else.

Luckily, I’m not the only one tuning out and I advise you to turn it off COMPLETELY (read: stop gossiping about Iggy’s fake ass, new chin and nose, lip syncing, etc – who fucking cares?). Let’s keep this trash out of the charts and out of our lives. Good work, team.

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