So, this is the big Ethan Hawke comeback. Or is it the big Selena Gomez breakout? Maybe it’s Jon Voight’s big coda. However you want to frame it, perhaps it might be best for each of these actors to try again, because “Getaway” crashes and burns.
The film, directed by Courtney Solomon and written by Sean Finegan and Gregg Maxwell, is an ill-conceived amalgamation of “Taken,” “Drive” and, I dunno, “Phone Booth.” But whereas those movies managed to cleverly transcend the premises (well, maybe not “Phone Booth”), “Getaway” is exactly what you’d expect–a well-worn plot peppered by monotonous car chase sequences in which it’s clear no one ever taught the police how to use their brakes.
“Getaway” spends a night in Sofia, Bulgaria, chasing around burned-out race car driver Brent Magna (Hawke), whose wife has been kidnapped by Mysterious Man on the Other End of the Phone. Brent is grizzled but good-hearted, though the bird tattoo on his hand suggests he’s made some mistakes in his life. Hell, Brent himself suggests he’s made some mistakes in his life. What those mistakes are is left unexplained, but we’ll assume they involve having a bird tattooed on his hand. What we do know is one day he met Leanne (Rebecca Budig), and it turned his life around. So when Mysterious Man and his goons kidnap Leanne, Brent is willing to go to great lengths–including killing pretty much the entire Sofia police force–to get her back.
This is fortunate because Mysterious Man wants Brent to do a series of seriously asinine tasks in order to get his wife back (and, in turn, help Mysterious Man rob a Bulgarian bank). So Brent goes all “Burnout 3: Takedown” through the streets of Sofia in a souped-up Mustang, which Mysterious Man has wired with cameras, a microphone, hands-free calling and more!
Early in the evening, Brent is accosted by a wisecracking former-Disney-star-turned-teenage-carjacker, played by Selena Gomez, for whom I have a well-documented affection. Mysterious Man then instructs Brent to take Gomez’s character (who I’m going to call Shortround, because her character doesn’t actually have a name) along for the ride. The two go through some trials and tribulations, and in the end they form a friendship that only the return of Brent’s wife and some rolling credits could break. In hindsight, I don’t think these two are going to be sending each other birthday cards.
This film has two things going for it. First, this is perhaps the most inspired casting move in movie history. Who could have predicted that the stars of “Wizards of Waverly Place” and “Gattaca” would ever play an odd couple in a doomed-to-fail gearhead movie that makes no sense for either actor? It’s almost like “Getaway” was specifically made for this column.
Secondly, while the movie fails on several levels, I’ll admit that it does attempt to play to Gomez’s strength, which is her ability to play a smartass. This isn’t to say her performance is noteworthy or anything–and, truly, Hawke and Gomez have absolutely zero on-screen chemistry–but at least her role fits. The downside to this is that the filmmakers rely way too much on one-liners, which is problematic because Brent is already soft-spoken and Mysterious Man spends the whole film barking one-sentence directions. Here’s a hypothetical example of what a scene from “Getaway” might read like:
Mysterious Man: Drive through the park.
Brent: I can’t do that.
Shortround: Are you crazy?
Mysterious Man: Hit that ice sculpture.
Brent: I can’t do that.
Shortround: You’re a dick.
Mysterious Man: Turn the radio on.
Brent: I can’t do that.
Shortround: Here, I brought a CD. (Inserts CD; plays “Come and Get It.”)
(I high-five everyone in the theatre.)
***
Five things about “Getaway”
1. At $18 million, this is by no means a big-budget movie. It does, however, have enough money for two big explosions, and, by God, do the filmmakers get their money’s worth. I don’t want to give too much away, but Sofia, Bulgaria, is effectively left in the dark ages by the end of this film.
2. Here’s a spoiler that’s not a spoiler: Mysterious Man is played by Jon Voight speaking in a Bulgarian accent. At least, I think it’s a Bulgarian accent. For that matter, I can’t be positive it’s even Jon Voight, because the only shots we see of him are extreme and awkward close-ups of his mouth. Assuming it is Voight, I’m not sure what filmmakers are going for by keeping his face concealed. It’s not like Jon Voight’s name isn’t in all the ads for the film, and it’s not like moviegoers don’t know what Jon Voight looks like. My only explanation is that this is a super subtle nod to the “Seinfeld” episode where Jon Voight bites Kramer.
3. I don’t want to call the filmmakers lazy, but only two characters (Brent and Leanne) are even named in this movie. Everyone else is either a nameless cop, goon or near-hit-and-run victim. Gomez is credited as The Kid, and Voight is The Voice. Voight’s character sort of makes sense having no name, but how hard is it to call The Kid Sarah or Diane or something? The millennial generation has a serious lack of Dianes.
4. The theme song to this movie should’ve been “Getaway” from the fourth season of “Arrested Development.” Instead, it’s, like, “Jingle Bells” or some shit. Yes, like many great action flicks before it, “Getaway” is set around Christmas time.
5. SPOILER: Everyone gets away. Well, except for the Sofia police force, because they’re all dead.
Bonus: I had to buy a dog afterward to help cope with this movie. His name’s Korben, and he’s not supposed to be on the couch.
You have found the essence