Aaron Hernandez: 'Makin' It Rain' for the Media

There will be no more strip club “money dance” touchdown celebrations makin’ it rain in Foxboro.

Keep your eyes open for the new Salvation Army stalwart, #81 Aaron Hernandez Patriots jerseys. The recently released tight end won’t be needing the number any more, as he’s got a new one gracing his uniform these days: inmate #174954 at the Bristol County House of Corrections.

The Boston media couldn’t believe their luck, stumbling right into their very own O.J. Simpson.

We love to build ’em up, we love to tear ’em down; ESPN makes its money either way. There has been more of a national debate on the New England Patriots’ tight ends recently than discussion of the atrocities going on in Syria, or the renewed protests erupting in Egypt.

Coverage has included the requisite condolences to Odin Lloyd’s family, with media outlets superficially reminding everyone how “a young man has lost his life,” before proceeding to ignore pretty much everything about the victim and instead obsess over the ramifications of the release of Hernandez for Bill Belichick’s passing attack or the “Patriot Way.”

According to the Boston Globe, Massachusetts recorded 122 murders committed with firearms in 2011. FBI data shows more than 5,000 gun deaths in the United States so far this year.  The large majority of these murders go hardly noticed, a short headline buried deep in the paper. The victims, often innocents in minority neighborhoods, seem destined to blur into time as statistics.

But, wait! When an NFL star commits a crime of this magnitude, hold on to your fucking media hardhats, folks. Get to the ‘choppa’ and get footage of him driving around!

High-profile cases like this can turn district attorneys into congressmen and governors, and certainly give ESPN’s well-paid blabbering dillweeds plenty to chew on during the quiet summer months. SportsCenter will be busy dissecting Hernandez’s life story and Tim Tebow’s choice of hair gel.

There is a fascination on behalf of the public on the demise of the NFL star, and certainly a degree of amazement that a 23-year-old with a freshly-inked $40 million contract would seemingly throw it all away. As if there haven’t ever before been idiots and testosterone-addled maniacs in the National Football League’s employ.

Hernandez seems to have little regard for the piles of video evidence linking himself to the scene. Doesn’t help his case when his own cell phone and home security system footage are handed over to the police broken in pieces. Oops. Jack the Ripper was more technology savvy back in 1888. The FBI didn’t even need to illegally tap his cell phone for this one.

Also, I’m pretty sure it isn’t standard Gang Execution Protocol to text the guy who you plan on murdering, pick him up at his apartment, and drive him to near your own home an hour away, all while getting caught on video the entire time. Tony Soprano would not approve.

Is he really this dumb? Ok, maybe he is:

He better hope his lawyer is better than George Zimmerman’s … who opened his client’s defense in the Treyvon Martin case last week with a knock-knock joke.