It’s buddy action comedy extravaganza in theaters across America this weekend. Here, we’ve got the only blockbuster of the summer starring two female leads. Over on the other side of the room, we’ve got “White House Down,” featuring (gasp!) a black president. So grab your favorite buddy action comedy buddy and get ready to forge some eternal bonds.
I’ve always had a deep-seeded disdain for three-time MTV Movie Award-winner Sandra Bullock. And yet, I see all her movies almost like it’s an obligation. That’s because, in a way, it is an obligation.
You see, back in 2010, there was a lot of buzz that seven-time Teen Choice Award-winner Sandra Bullock was a favorite to take home the Oscar for her portrayal of a heroic white lady in “The Blind Side.” No way, I thought. Not gonna happen. There’s no chance both actresses from “Practical Magic” are Oscar winners.
So confident was I that the rest of the world was on my side that I audibly vowed I would see every Sandra Bullock movie from there on out, should she win … And, of course, because fate punishes those who bet on the Academy Awards, five-time People’s Choice Award-winner Sandra Bullock became Academy Award-winner Sandra Bullock.
There are several reasons I dislike her. For one, “Speed” is actually a terrible movie. I don’t care if it was the first rated-R film you saw in theaters; it’s bad. Secondly, her dancing makes me genuinely uncomfortable. This is a real complaint, because she dances in a lot of movies and I want to die every time. But really, the main reason I don’t like Razzie Award-winner Sandra Bullock (that’s the last one) is that she has Laura Linney Face.
What’s Laura Linney Face? It’s hard to say exactly. It’s when an actress just has one of those faces, you know? It’s not an attractive/unattractive thing. You just don’t want to look at her face for some reason.
Bullock isn’t the only person to suffer from Laura Linney Face. Two-time Golden Globe-winner Laura Linney (OK, for real this time) also has Laura Linney Face, as does Jurassic Park star Laura Dern. There is a counterpart condition for male actors as well. It’s called Bill Paxton Syndrome.
So fair warning before delving into this review of “The Heat”: I have a bias against Sandra Bullock. I’m not proud of it, but the heart wants what the heart wants, so the opposite must be true too.
For those of you who care about things like movie crews and writers and whatnot, you should know “The Heat” is directed by Paul Feig, who’s known for directing “Bridesmaids.” You should also know that Feig played camp counselor Tim in 1995’s “Heavy Weights,” which is the movie that introduced me to the concept of the blob, and blobs are pretty cool.
The movie stars Melissa McCarthy (“Bridesmaids,” “Identity Thief” and “Gilmore Girls” apparently) and, of course, Sandra Bullock (“Speed,” “Speed 2,” Laura Linney Face Awareness campaigns). Bullock plays Sarah Ashburn, an incredibly competent but socially inept FBI agent from New York who gets assigned to take down a ruthless drug lord in Boston, where she meet Shannon Mullins (McCarthy), a crass but loyal Boston police officer who plays by her own rules and intimidates the hell out of all the men she works with (not much of a stretch for either actress). The two initially clash but then realize they have a common goal, so they partner up to take down the baddy and blah blah blah… Look, have you seen “Starsky & Hutch?” The one with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson? It’s basically that but with ladies and no Snoop Dogg. There’s even a Russian roulette interrogation scene. But you’re not seeing this for the plot. You’re seeing it to watch Melissa McCarthy make dick jokes and Sandra Bullock eventually come out of her shell and also make dick jokes. If you liked “Starsky & Hutch,” you’ll like this. If you haven’t seen Starsky & Hutch, see this instead. It’s better.
Five things about The Heat:
1. The movie is primarily set in Boston, which also happens to be where I live. So of course I got distracted trying to recognize where each scene was taking place. One scene takes place in a dance club called Ekko, which in real life is The Royale. I was delighted that this movie accurately portrayed the club as a complete douche hole that charges $14 for a shot of whiskey (and $6 PBRs, just so you know). It’s the worst.
2. In another scene, Bullock and McCarthy are walking down Congress St., which is not actually where Boston’s FBI headquarters is located, but it is where this place is located:
Barrington makes the best coffee in Boston, and no, I’m not being paid to say that (though I wouldn’t be above such things, Barrington). Unfortunately, the place is almost always empty because it’s about 50 yards down from this place:
And people from Boston are fucking crazy for “Dunks.”
3. Melissa McCarthy’s got a great face. With her body type and penchant for falling and breaking things, she inevitably draws comparisons to actors like John Belushi and Chris Farley. I think her comedic style is actually closer to Vince Vaughn’s, with her sarcastic delivery and ability to drag on a joke to its bitter. fucking. end. However, Vaughn is often a blank slate and looks, well, sleepy. McCarthy got the same gift for sarcasm and she emotes better.
4. Most the male characters in “The Heat” are really just there to be Boston stereotypes and to move the plot along. One of those characters is played by Michael Rapaport, who is a leading spokesman for Bill Paxton Syndrome.
5. I didn’t hate Sandra Bullock in this movie. But she does dance, and that’s unforgivable.