Why Republicans Picked a Lemon Candidate

Somewhere along the line, it all went terribly wrong. It seems like just yesterday that conservatives were itching for their chance at taking out Obama during the 2012 election. Unemployment was high, and the economy stalled. The Tea Party ruled, with GOP freshmen adorned in coonskin caps ready to keep the president’s agenda in gridlock for years to come.

Obamacare had become a four-letter word, and the president seemed to be licking his wounds. The way the right responded to Obama’s first term, you’d think he’d gotten a powerful progressive agenda passed rather than a middling piecemeal approach targeting moderate policies (RIP, public option; see you again in 20 years or so).

And we haven’t even yet mentioned Citizens United, the billion-dollar gorilla in the room before the election, unleashed courtesy of Supreme Court Chief Justice John “Balls and Strikes” Roberts and associates. That alone left Karl Rove licking his chops, and the Koch Brothers measuring the drapes in the West Wing.

The GOP was primed to continue its Tea-infused comeback. From the sound of things, all the Republican Party needed was a candidate with a smile and a pulse. Paging Mr. Mitt for a smooth cruise to the nomination. Instead, the primaries turned into a Monster Mash, and Romney went on to get solidly hammered in the general election after trailing Obama throughout. What happened here?

Let us begin with taking a step back, and noting how delusional the anti-Obama crowd actually was at this point. The Republican game plan was clearly to be instantaneously negative toward the president and his agenda, and they continue to play this role in a politically effective manner to this day (no doubt securing them much more leverage than deserved). After the successful 2010 midterms, however, the GOP began to drink its own kool-aid by the barrel. With that efficient and bold of a machina veritas in place, at a certain point you become tone-deaf to the doubters.

That leads us back to the pack of candidates, which, uhm, left a lot to be desired. Regardless of your party affiliation, it was hard to find someone to give your vote to. The GOP id was finally thrust front and center, with each candidate grasping for a brass ring continually fleeing ever further into the conservative heart of darkness.

Rick Perry couldn’t manage to count to three. Herman Cain proved incapable of counting past nine, or even naming the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan. Santorum talked about some hot “man on dog” beastiality. And, worst of all, Newt Gingrich had crawled out from his crypt and started winning primaries (albiet Southern) as a presidential candidate. Even with the economy struggling, one would think the Stanley Cup was being hosted in Hades if any of the aforementioned folks managed to beat Obama.

Picking from such a startling field of losers, wackos and malcontents, the GOP faithful held their nose and selected Romney to headline last year’s ticket. Deep down, they were driven by fear – but not a fear of Islamic militants, growing secularization, gun restrictions or any other dog whistle. I’m sure most voters would deny it, but the end result of the Republican primary was mainly driven by a fear of Obama and his political power, the looming presence of a man who had easily demolished them in 2008. As much fun as the Santorum/Gingrich/Cain sideshows were, the needed primaries ultimately fell to Romney out of fear, with the Rove side of the party – the side that wears the big boy pants – getting ready to soil their big boy britches with what was unfolding.

Any candidate with half a chance at winning it all decided to stay home, stay moderate and wait for 2016. Chris Christie even went a step further and hugged Obama. Romney was forced far out of his purple state comfort zone, catering toward the xenophobic, homophobic and nationalistic red meat the primary audience craved. He and his campaign were sipping kool-aid themselves, enough to possibly think they didn’t need to tack center until the debates. Oops.

This plastic robot had been running for president for two decades, and yet seems to really have thought that suddenly pretending to be a bigoted asshole would be the magic pixie dust putting him over the top in the general election. He should have seen his annihilation coming, as should’ve the rest of us. Oh, Willard, the amazing test marketing survey that walks and talks, a certifiable loser long before you ever got an opportunity to lose the big one. I’d love to know what you really believe. As a proud product of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I have seen your story play out act by act. It’s fair to say it was far from compelling in person.

Only desperate primary voters could nominate a candidate with this much visible baggage. In fact, I’d bet you $10,000 right now. This was the man who had taken credit for Obamacare (cue scary background music). He led the lovely Bain Capital; you could not find a better readymade 30-second commercial explaining to John J. Voter why his country is falling apart in front of his very eyes. And then Newt Gingrich went and ran that exact commercial, “King of Bain.” Romney even found time to ask illegal immigrants to self-deport, alienating the only minority block he had a chance with in swing states. Doubtful he asked the same of the illegal Guatemalan gardeners at his Belmont mansion. That would be too inconvenient. Tagg might have to learn how to mow a lawn.

People aren’t totally stupid, and at the end of the day they felt the president cared more about their well-being than Romney did. In November, Obama had 332 electoral votes to Romney’s 206, and won the popular vote by nearly five million. It was a good lesson for the Koch crowd: Money buys nothing when your candidates are putting plastic bags on their heads and calling themselves astronauts. When it comes to spewing bullshit, don’t get high on your own supply.

Nick Bush can be reached at nbush@thoughtpollution.com.