Holy hell folks, this is going to be an intense one.
It’s pretty long, but so fun (That’s what she said – but not to me). This might be the most important moment of my film critic/enthusiast career. I feel like Eminem in 8 Mile: The moment is now, as we go to the North Pole and back for the Christmas movie top 10. Buckle the fuck up folks, because it’s going to get insane. I can’t oversell this enough. Christmas in my absolute favorite time of the year and I also love movies, so this top 10 was a must.
You, lucky reader, can score big from just reading this. If you are looking to win the prize package of two movie passes, candy of choice, Christmas movie DVD of choice AND cookie of choice, you need to do a few things, however. First, you need to read the entire article, because somewhere in the post is a code you’ll have to email me to enter. You also must post this article on your Facebook or Twitter and tag me, so I see it. So, email me and get social, if you want presents… Simple enough. If you are my like my mom and have no social media outlets, just let me know in the email. Mom, you can’t enter. I just will not allow it, Val. Ok, Mom, you can enter. Happy now?
10. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
We’re starting things off with a classic about an outcast, who had a birthmark on his neck, chewed the sleeves of his batman long sleeve shirt and picked his nose. Oh shit, that was me growing up. Well, that was a depressing memory! What the hell, Rudolph! Speaking of picking noses, Rudolph didn’t pick to have his glowing red, but it made him special and people were jerk asses to him. This is a great underdog story about making friends and proving your worth. Abominable is the most fun movie monster to ever be made of clay, Yukon Cornelius is my spirit animal, Sam the snowman is a pimp and Hermey is a real wild card. Christmas has come and needs saving. The day stands… well “flies” if you’re Rudolph (sorry for the spoiler), and he gets a new gig hanging with Santa. Not bad.
9. Trapped in Paradise (1994)
This was a tricky one. Originally, I had the original Grinch Who Stole Christmas at number 9, but I had to call an audible after a discussion with my boy Ethan (Hi Ethan, good call if you’re reading this). Fear not Grinch fans, I’ll talk about that later. Most of you have probably never heard of this movie and that is a damn shame. Three brothers plan and attempt to execute a bank robbery in a small town during Christmas time (scoundrels!!) and the three get snowed in – so, obviously, they have to attempt to escape. This movie always cracks me up. Carvey is amazing, as is the once-great John Lovitz delivers in a big way (I’ll never forgive you for screwing over Kevin Smith, if you’re reading this Lovitz). This one is tricky to find in the store, but they have it for rent on Youtube for $2.99.
I also own it on VHS and if you want to watch it with me in my kitchen on my TV/VHS combo, just shoot me a text.
8. Home Alone 1 & 2 (1990) & (1992)
Yes I lumped these two diamonds together. Why? Because they are basically the same movie and making a top 10 Christmas movie list is harder than it looks so get off my back! Sorry guys, I love you more than Kevin McCallister loves pizza. Fun Fact: my ex-girlfrind used to have me saved in her phone as “McCallister” because my last name is McAskill, yes you Katie, I know you’re reading this. What was I talking about? Oh right Home alone 1&2. Macaully Culkin was my hero growing up for some stupid reason and I saw everything he did after Home Alone (I wouldn’t recommend viewing all of Mac’s movie catalogue). I owned a talk boy, I had a Home Alone backpack that looked like the one he wore in Lost in New York, it said “Home Alone” on the back pocket and it had a snap that when you opened the bag it would scream like Kevin McCallister. It was DOPE! Thanks Chip and Val for spoiling me growing up, I love you dearly. Anyway who doesn’t fantasize about thwarting two bumbling cat burglars while flying solo in small town Chicago suburbs or the big apple. Stretch limos, personal pizza and a shopping spree at a giant toy store all on dad’s dime? Fuck yes! Sign me up. I’m 30 and have my own money and still this is a dream come true. I could do this on my own and one day maybe I will! It is clear Home Alone 2 is my favorite out of the two but one still has its charm. Another fun fact: after seeing Home Alone 2 I went on a ski trip with my family and got lost at Vail ski resort. I was like “sweet!” for about one second then I was pretty scared, I was 9 lost at the biggest ski resort in the fucking world, in a time without cell phones and I forgot the name of our hotel. My mom thought I was dead or kidnapped, the whole mountain was looking for me apparently and you know who found me? Chip McAskill, my mustache having ski master hero of a father. 21 years later I will never forget the name of that hotel, Vail Glow Hotel. Thanks for saving me pops. Back to Home Alone! Big laughs, that warm feeling that Christmas means telling your family you love them and moments without them are harder than you realize.
7. Love Actually (2003)
Let me say this, I’m a man’s man, I work a job doing manual labor when I’m not talking movies, I am covered in tattoos (you like that ladies?), I have a beard and weigh over 200 pounds. With all that said this movie makes me tear up every damn time I see it. Under the cold shell of my heart is a romantic and this movie is the definition of romance. Oh yea sports fans, we are gonna talk romance! If you got a problem with that you can expect a knuckle sandwich! Love Actually is glimpse into the lives of a handful of people looking for that special person at the holidays. Everyone has that person they look at from afar and wish they could just have them. Hell, I have one and that person knows who she is (she might even read this, ahh!!). For some reason London always looks more Christmasy than America, and this heart-melter takes place there. Prostitute-loving Hugh Grant is very adorable in this movie playing the Prime Minister of England. He doesn’t love prostitutes in the movie, that’s just something I read in a tabloid like 10 years ago. Yup, movies make me cry and I read tabloids. My manhood might be in question; I will arm wrestle any of you right now!
6. Elf (2003)
Will Farrell can do no wrong in my book, he is at the top of my funniest men to ever live list right below the great Bill Murray. Will Farrell could set my apartment on fire with me in it and I’d still laugh my ass off. Me and my buddy Sarad saw Step Brothers in the theater and we were laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. At one point Sarad laughed so hard he kicked is foot out and his shoe flew off and launched into the front of the theater. Elf is the same brand of funny, Buddy the Elf is looking for his father and travels to New York City. Being an elf from the North Pole he is tad out of place but seems to win the hearts of anyone he meets. Elf is on TV pretty frequently this time of year but if you can’t find it on there it’s only like 10 bucks at target. OR it could be free if you win the prize!! My email to enter for the prize is matthew.mcaskill@gmail.com or you can Facebook me. Secret code will come a little later. Please keep reading.
5. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)
I saw this movie for the first time in my life last year; I have no idea why I waited so long because it was fantastic. It was playing at the Brattle Theater in Cambridge Massachusetts. If you live in the area, they are showing it again this year December 20th-23rd. It goes without saying that this movie is a classic. George Bailey had big dreams but life didn’t pan out the way he thought. Bailey debates jumping off a bridge because things have gotten too difficult and an angel comes along to show him what life would be like if George Bailey never existed. If you want to watch a movie and just FEEL incredible and warm when it’s over, watch It’s a Wonderful Life. When the credits started to roll, I was in tears; the movie teaches you that wealth doesn’t exist in your bank account, it’s in family and friends.
4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
I know this is a long article folks but when it’s all over you’ll feel good, eat some cookies and call someone and say, “Hey, I love you. Merry Christmas” or maybe not, I’m not psychic or the boss of you. Do whatever the hell you want. Christmas Vacation is the third installment of the Vacation movies and my favorite. Clark Griswold is a true family man and plans to have the whole clan over for the holiday. In true nature of the Vacation movies everything goes bananas but still finds a happy ending. Christmas Vacation is funny, cute and contains one of my favorite movies quotes of all time; “Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.” Christmas Vacation is currently on Netflix, I recommend watching while wrapping presents or enjoying an eggnog.
3. Scrooged (1988)
A modern retelling of Charles Dickens’s tale A Christmas Carol, starring the comedy god Bill Fucking Murray. Short side note: Bill Murray legally changed his middle name to “Fucking” for a little while, then changed it back. Look it up. Anyhow, Murray plays Frank Cross, a cold-hearted TV executive who stepped on everyone to get to the top, and along the way forgot about the people he cared for the most. I’d like any movie involving Bill Murray and ghosts (although I can’t think of another right now, but who knows). Karen Allen plays Frank’s old flame; Allen got to have Bill Murray AND Indiana Jones, lucky broad. Scrooged is a Christmas must-watch, I say.
2. A Christmas Story (1983)
“I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” Me too Ralphie, me too. One of the best – yet simple – Christmas tales ever spun about a boy (and the best Christmas he ever had). When I was younger and Christmas Eve would roll around, I couldn’t sleep for more than two hours. What I would do was make a list of what to do the whole night, because I needed to wait ’til about 4am to wake up my big brother Jamie so we could go downstairs and get our stockings. My list included what VHS movies I would watch while waiting to get my stocking and the top movie on that list was A Christmas Story. I would wake Jamie up; we would sneak downstairs and bath in the warm glow of the lights on our Christmas tree. My parents would leave the tree plugged in all night, letting the luminescence paint the scene more perfectly than Norman Rockwell could ever dream. We would grab our stockings and go through them in Jamie’s room then I’d go back to my room and anxiously watch movies until it was time for presents. Are you folks loving my tales of childhood Christmas? No?! Well, tough shit. I’m going to keep bringing them up. We have all had that one perfect gift that we longed for as young children, and the simple idea of getting it was almost too much to handle. A Christmas Story is a snapshot of 1930’s America about a normal Cleveland family gearing up for Christmas. I still remember the old man’s major award of that plastic lady leg lamp in the front window of The Parker’s house. And here’s the secret code you’ve been waiting for, folks: “Major Award” … email me that to be entered in the drawing! Anyways, A Christmas Story should end up on your TV at some point this holiday, but try tuning in to TBS for 24 hours of it. And try not to shoot your eye out.
1. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Here we are guys… Finally, the number one Christmas movie: A Muppet Christmas Carol. What could be better than two-time Oscar-winner Michael Caine acting with a large cast of MUPPETS! The answer is nothing. Nothing is better than that. Another re-telling of Dickens’s famous story – but this version is funny, joyous and full of muppets. It was very difficult choosing the number one, but after a long debate I ended up with this masterpiece. I’m a large fan of the muppets and this movie finds a sweet spot of being cute family fun but also staying 100 percent true to the best holiday tale ever told. Also puppet ghosts? Yea that’s the fucking best thing to ever happen. My favorite of them all is the lovable ghost of Christmas present “COME FORTH AND GET TO KNOW ME BETTER MAN!!” If you see me and ask me to say that in the same deep booming voice I’ll happily do it. The closing musical number of a Muppet Christmas Carol has one of my favorite movie lines/pieces of wisdom ever: “if you need to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends…” So with that said, I’d like to say Merry Christmas to Kyle, Ethan, Brendan, Smithy, Sarad, George, Jose, Mallorie, Beergarth, Shane, Keegan, Kerri, Taylor. and my big brother Jamie. COOKIES AND MILK FOR ALL.
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I know I left many movies off this list, so I would be remiss if I didn’t do some honorable mentions. Frosty the snowman, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, The Santa Clause, Santa Clause is Coming to Town, and Santa Clause: The Movie (this is a very overlooked movie, and shouldn’t be confused with the Tim Allen movie – It’s on Netflix currently). But, beyond the honorable mentions, there’s the top 5 movies you forgot (or didn’t know) were Christmas movies.
Here we go:
5. Batman Returns (1992)
Batman plus Christmas equals ‘fuck yeah.’ Toss in a tweaking Michelle Pfeiffer and some disturbing footage of Danny DeVito devouring raw fish as The Penguin, and we have the makings of a holiday classic.
4. Gremlins (1984)
Don’t feed these fuckers after midnight. If they get wet your holiday might get messed up. Bonus points for Peter Gabriel/Nile Rodgers song “Out Out” on the official soundtrack.
3. Rocky IV (1985)
Don’t forget that Rocky faced his ultimate foe on Christmas day. HE’S NOT A MACHINE! HE’S A MAN!! Take that, godless Soviets.
2. Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Halloween and Christmas got busy and made a movie baby, and it was Nightmare. I debated putting this in the Christmas top 10 but it’s a wild card. I put it as number 1 for my Halloween movie top 10, so it was pushed of the Xmas list. If you wish to check my Halloween top 10, feel free. Nightmare Before Christmas is playing at the lovely Coolidge Corner Theater at midnight Friday December 20th and Saturday December 21st. I’ll be there Friday the 20th; I already bought my tickets.
1. Die Hard (1988)
Yea, that’s right Die Hard is your top surprising Christmas movie. John McClane is fucking shit up, and so happens to be at a Christmas Party. If you are a Die Hard fan and are in the Boston area it is playing at the Brattle Theater in Cambridge on December 25-30th.
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Like the holiday season, this article has been madness – I’m well aware – but in case you’re in the mood, let’s wind things down with some great Christmas TV specials: A Charlie Brown Christmas. The numerous Simpsons Christmas specials. Mr. Bean’s Christmas. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Christmas episode (available on Netflix, at the end of Season 6). All of the South Park Christmas episodes (which are amazing, and can be found at on their website). Last, but not least, is A Muppet Family Christmas.
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If I forgot a movie and you want to talk about it, please free to email me. Once a year we forget how crappy things can be and only see the good in people and in life. Please do a little good this holiday, donate some toys to toys for tots, give blood, send some clothes to the goodwill, give a homeless guy a few bucks, or tell someone their coat makes their eyes pop. Have a great holiday, and thank you so much for reading this long-ass article. See you in 2014, folks.
Matthew McAskill can be reached at matthew.mcaskill@gmail.com.
Bravo Matt.