20 THINGS YOU DO THAT PROVES YOU SUCK
By Eli Rosenswaike
If you do any of the following things, I will hate you. If you don’t care, that’s fine. Just know that you likely have no friends, you won’t be successful, you’ll never be happy and no one will ever love you.
1. CARE ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT’S LOVE LIFE:
Note to you: Get a life.
Note to Taylor: Stop dating notorious dirt-bags and complaining about them afterwards. I know John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal not being able to settle down with a 20-year-old was a complete shock, and all, but please shut up.
2. START A SENTENCE WITH: “THAT AWKWARD MOMENT”:
That awkward moment when you’re the only one that doesn’t realize you’re a complete tool.
3. POST BABY PICTURES ON FACEBOOK:
Unless you plan on posting pictures/video of you MAKING that baby, we don’t want to see pictures of your baby at every birthday, holiday and milestone. Censorship isn’t always a bad thing, folks.
4. OBSESS OVER CHANNING TATUM:
Channing Tatum is married, back the fuck off. He’s not the only attractive male on the planet. I mean, seriously, what kind of girl finds THIS attractive?
5. SAY “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON”:
Yes, of course it does. Evidence: Anytime something bad happens to you is precisely because you’re an idiot for believing that.
6. THINK JUST BECA– USE A GUY IS FRIENDS WITH A GIRL, HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER:
Why is this so hard for people to grasp? There are plenty of girls I’m friends with I don’t want to have sex with, just like I’m sure there several girls I’m friends with that don’t want to sleep with me. Actually, I’m quite sure of that fact.
7. BELIEVE KATE UPTON IS FAT:
If you’re a guy who thinks Kate Upton is fat, you’re just angry that you’ll never get a girl 1/10th as stunning. If you’re a girl who thinks Kate Upton is fat, you’re just jealous that you’ll never look that good.
Either way, you’re an idiot.
8. DRINK ENERGY DRINKS:
They taste bad, they’re expensive, they’re unhealthy and they don’t work. Other than that, though, it’s a great value.
9. — USE INSTAGRAM:
Instagram is a fine invention and all, but people who post a million pictures of themselves every day should be excommunicated from the Internet. If you see something cool, then post it. That something just isn’t you.
10. SEND MASS TEXT MESSAGES ON HOLIDAY’S:
It’s just lame and weird. We haven’t talked in forever, why am I even still in your contacts list? You don’t even like me. And you’re not going to respond If I text back.
11. BELIEVE THAT ‘GIRLS’ IS A GOOD TV SHOW:
I don’t know about you, but I love comedy’s that aren’t funny. I also love dramas that are unrealistic, uncomfortable, awkward and often predictable. And I REALLY love when shows shoe-horn things about its main character (Oh, so NOW Hannah all the sudden has OCD?) to manufacture drama.
(For the record: I still respect Lena Dunham, I have seen every single episode and I enjoyed Season 1 — but this show has become so terrible. Shoshanna is the only character that ever makes me laugh.)
12. CRITICIZE AND/OR COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW SOMEONE SPENDS THEIR MONEY:
I can’t think of a single instance when it’s OK to tell someone how to spend their own money. This whole backlash against people helping to fund a Veronica Mars movie on Kickstarter is pissing me the hell off. If you’re one of these people, read THIS and shut the hell up.
13. PHOTOBOMB
It was fun for a short while, but now it’s getting annoying. If the perfect opportunity presents itself, fine. But don’t be like Chris Bosh and do it every damn time.
14. POP YOUR COLLAR:
Hey, if you want to look like THIS or THIS, be my guest. I won’t stop you, but I will mock you for being a douchebag. Just not to your face.
15. — USE HASHTAGS ON FACEBOOK:
Facebook is not Twitter. They don’t work for a reason. #YouAreAnAsshole
16. LISTEN TO MUSIC ON YOUR PHONE WITHOUT HEADPHONES:
Just because you want to listen to that shit doesn’t mean I do.
17. CHANGE YOUR FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE ALL THE TIME:
You’re a girl and take lots of pictures, we get it. Stop crying out for attention.
18. BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY:
I would love to expound on this, but I’m on a strict word count here. Basically, you are a colossal imbecile.
But what do I know? Apparently I’m just a Capricorn who: “can be negative, suspicious, resentful, inhibited, pessimistic and obstinate.”
Oh, wait. Shit.
19. REF– USE TO SAY THANK YOU WHEN SOMEONE HOLDS THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU:
Next time I see you, I’m going to slam the door in your face.
20. TAKE A SELFIE:
Kill yourself (well, not really – get serious).
Hell, who am I kidding? CHANNING TATUM IS A STUD.
Eli Rosenswaike can be reached on Twitter @EliRosenswaike or at eli.rosenswaike@gmail .com.