Imagine you’re a man and your sperm was strong enough to father 533 children (holy shit, right?). I bet you didn’t expect to read the word sperm in the first sentence, and now the second (sorry). I fear I’ve alienated my female readers by using the word sperm in all the first three sentences. Sorry ladies. I know the majority of my readers are females I’ve dated, so you all shouldn’t be surprised. Okay, let’s get back on topic. Delivery Man, starring Vince Vaughn, is about a man, who finds out he is the daddy of 533 children from hundreds of sperm bank donations. I think I can speak for many men out there and say that we have all at least thought about donating our swimmers for some extra cash. If you were ever on the fence about that business venture, this movie will show you that it is a TERRIBLE idea!
(Teeny-tiny, akin to watching a trailer) SPOILER ALERT!
Delivery Man is a remake of a French-Canadian filmed called Starbuck. Both films are written and directed by Ken Scott. In the more recent version, David Wozniak (Vince Vaughn) is a lovable slacker in his 40s, whose girlfriend Emma (Cobie Smulders aka Robin Scherbatsky) is pregnant. David is all like “whoa, that’s kinda awesome!” and Emma is like “nah dog, you ain’t ready to be a baby daddy!” Okay, I paraphrased slightly. Cut to the very next scene: David gets a visit from man, who states that David has fathered 533 children and 142 of them have filed a class action lawsuit to find out the identity of their father.
Wozniak’s best friend and lawyer, Brett (Chris Pratt), advises him not to open the envelope with all 142 children’s identities in it. I’m not sure anyone posses that kind of willpower. I myself would need to know if I produced good-looking offspring. I know that’s crazy. Of course, I would. They would be gorgeous. Since David filled those cups with his magic man-potion when he was in his 20s, all the children are now fully-grown adults. David opens the file and decides to do something meaningful for the first time in his life, and that’s all I’ll tell you for now.
This movie got somewhat lost in the Thanksgiving shuffle. Hunger Games took most of the spotlight and Delivery Man didn’t get as wide of a theatrical release. It’s a relatively low budget comedy/drama and it didn’t get a ton of press, sadly. Going into Delivery Man, I thought it was going to be more a comedy, but it really wasn’t – which wasn’t a bad thing. The plot felt a bit rushed for my taste. One minute, he’s just a delivery guy and then in the next scene, he has more kids than the old lady in the shoe (remember the little, old lady who lived in the shoe nursery rhyme? Well, that lady had a shit ton of kids living in a goddamn shoe and it was fucked up). Once the movie got past the rushed beginning, it was good.
I wanted Vince Vaughn to be Vince Vaughn – winking at everyone, making jokes, getting everyone excited, but that wasn’t really the case. The jokes were few and far between and the ones that did pop up were just chuckle-type jokes and not spit-out-your-Cherry-Coke-type jokes. Don’t get me wrong, folks. I did enjoy the movie. I just had to tell myself it wasn’t really a comedy and to just enjoy it for what it was – a lighthearted drama with an exaggerated premise, but full of soul.
Delivery Man was a bit of an emotional roller-coaster because David found himself at a crossroad. He could do what was right and it would be beyond hard or he could just ignore it and continue to be a man-child. I am not a father, myself, but I imagine when you are a good man and find out you have a child, you do the right thing and protect them with everything you got and more. David was lost and found a purpose – albeit a seemingly insurmountable one, but he got in the ring like Rocky vs. Ivan Drago and kept swinging. Delivery Man isn’t about a goon with super sperm (said it again) getting in misadventures with is whacky kids; it’s about a person’s capacity to love.
When put in the right situation, how much can your heart grow to fit all the love you want to give?
Yeah, old Matty can get deep like that. Are things feeling too serious? Boobs! Did that help? No? FINE! Let’s talk more about love then!
Life doesn’t just throw you curveballs; it throws you those crazy, Tim Wakefield knuckleballs that nobody can friggin’ hit, but you can’t just let them go by. You have to take that big swing. Yeah, this article has had some sperm talk, cheesy metaphors, yours truly getting slightly mushy and I just wrote the word “boobs” for the heck of it, but I’m loving it and I hope you are, too.
This movie isn’t going to win any Oscars or rake in piles of money, but it’s a heartwarming flick that has you smiling as you leave the theater. Vince Vaughn charms the world as he always does – digging deep to find the strength to be a good man, a good son, a good boyfriend and a loving father.
Delivery Man is worth seeing. It’s still in theaters and might not be for much longer, so act fast. Don’t download it kids! That crap is killing the movie industry. Pony up the 11 bucks and get away from your damn computer. WAIT! Not yet. Finish reading my article, then get out of the house and see a movie – any movie. It doesn’t have to be this one, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you do choose to check it out. If you don’t enjoy it, I’ll give you the 11 bucks! I mean, I can’t give it to you NOW, but we can start an IOU system. Just add it to my other IOU bucks list (it’s a big list!).
I give Delivery Man two heart-shaped snicker doodles, a fig newton and a half a glass of strawberry milk.
Keep smiling.
Stay tuned! Next week, I’ll be doing a ‘Christmas Movie Top 10’ and a special, holiday giveaway. One lucky reader will win two AMC movie passes, candy of their choice and a holiday movie of their choice on DVD. Don’t miss out!