Thor: The Dark World’s hammer time folks.
Break out the parachute pants and let’s discuss Thor: The Dark World.

I wasn’t a huge fan of the first Thor movie, but this one was too legit to quit. Ok, I’m done making MC Hammer references, or AM I?  Thor: The Dark World was helmed by director Alan Taylor, who typically works in television. Taylor has worked on some pretty amazing TV shows, like The West Wing, Six Feet Under, Bored to Death, Deadwood, The Sopranos, Mad Men and of course – Game of Thrones. Thor: The Dark World is Taylor’s biggest project to date and he did not disappoint.

Going along with the theme of blockbusters these days, Thor: The Dark World was also released in 3D. The 3D format is a matter of preference; I am not a fan of it myself. I love going to the movies folks, LOVE it. I am always early to the feature, leaving ample time to load up on Sour Patch Kids and Cherry Coke. Seat selection isn’t as important to me because modern theaters are designed to not have bad seats. I sit enthralled from the first preview all the way to the moment the house lights go up (that’s right – I watch ALL the credits). Hundreds of people work tirelessly to make a movie ready for our viewing pleasure and they all deserve a tip of the cap. With all that being said I HATE 3D. The glasses hurt my eyes and it’s a little too gimmicky to me. I don’t need Thor’s hammer flying at my face; he’s not really my type 😉 – but, if you like feeling like you’re IN the movie, feel free to peep that 3D jam. I’ll stick with 2D. movies and giant budget fantasy flicks seem to follow the same formula these days and Thor: The Dark World is no different. The formula follows these concepts: There is an object of great power. The bad guys want to wield its power to destroy or conquer. The good guys want to protect that power source and the bad guys get so god damn pissed. Example: Good guys: “Hey super pals, we need to protect this cheeseburger because its power is unparalleled and if the bad guys get the burger, they will destroy the world with it.” Bad guys: “Give us the cheeseburger, bro! We want to fuck some shit up!” Good guy: “No way, do you know how rare (I don’t want you guys missing this burger pun) its power is! Let’s fight!” OR: This is the set up. Bad guys: “We want Earth. I know ya’ll live here and you like it, but we want it. Or, maybe we’ll just kinda destroy it for the heck of it.” Good guys: “No friggin’ way, dude! Let’s fight!” I’m not complaining about the formula, but it can get a tad old.

Spoiler Alert!

Thor: The Dark World, you know what? I’m going to just say Thor 2 because writing “The Dark world” over and over is pissing me off. In Thor 2, an ancient power of darkness is discovered – the Aether. The Aether is a mist-looking thing that turns the universe into darkness and Thor isn’t about to let that crap go down. Thor needs some help from his jailbird brother Loki. Loki was the rapscallion responsible for – you guessed it – trying to destroy Earth with an object of indescribable power from The Avengers. The brothers team up to try and save the nine realms with some help from Thor’s science nerd crush Dr. Jane Foster (super-babe Natalie Portman).

WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE ROYALE?! The creepy dark elves that want to dim the lights or team Thor, who wants to keep things bright?

Now, I’d like to point something out before I give my final opinion of this film: I am a HUGE superhero fan. My room growing up had Superman wallpaper (you like that ladies?) covered in posters of Batman, Superman, X-men and Ninja Turtles. My current fashion sense consists of superhero and Bruins T-Shirts, and I’m 30 (judge away kids!). Marvel movies have a great sense of humor and it makes the action that much more fun. DC hero movies (Batman, Superman, etc) take things a little more seriously, especially Batman! What is his damn problem? He is never in a good mood. He’s rich, smart, handsome, in great shape, fights crime and gets to touch Anne Hathaway’s boobs. Yeah, he lost his parents but come on dude – crack a smile once in a while. Ok sorry that was bothering me guys, yeesh!

I love the jokes being cracked by various characters in Thor 2 because hero flicks should give you goose bumps when the good guy socks the bad guy in mouth, but its made that much more fun when you can laugh once in a while. The cast has great chemistry, since they have worked together on a handful of movies together now. Chris Hemsworth has the perfect frame and demeanor to play Thor. He’s 6’3”, covered in muscles and ladies. He pops that armor off pretty early into the movie, so get ready to swoon because shirts are optional on Asgard (that’s where Thor lives), and I wish Natalie Portman also got that memo. Hiddleson returns as Loki and despite having a huge chip on his shoulder and being a bad guy, he is charming as hell. Cracking jokes, busting balls and trying to kill everyone with that Cheshire cat grin, I love it. Anthony Hopkins reprises his role as Odin, Thor’s father and king of Asgard, and he kind of fell flat. Despite being a knighted Oscar winner, he phoned this one in, but his costume was dope. So, we are going to let it slide. He has a GOLD eye patch! I already mentioned Natalie Super-babe-Oscar-winner Portman (that’s her real middle name, look it up). Returning as Portman’s wise cracking assistant is the woman I love, Kat Dennings. She is sassy, busty and funny as hell – my dream woman. The biggest crime of this movie is hiding Kat’s cleavage under a cute but non-revealing jacket. I could keep naming the cast but that shit will get boring, check IMDB if you’re curious.

I usually can’t get myself into science fiction movies and, since Thor is from another world and most of the movie takes place, I’ll call it “sci-fi,” but I managed just fine. Most movies that take us to space take me out of the movie. I like to put myself into the situations on-screen, and if we are on another planet, I just get bored and pretend Kat Dennings is naked or something. Thor 2 had my attention the whole time because the action was great. Thor is a beefcake. Loki is a riot and gold eye patches are my favorite. The set design was mostly CGI, which I never like, but it seems to work well when trying to paint the backdrop of a distant world. The costume and make-up department went above and beyond for Thor 2 – the creepy dark elves have given me nightmares since I saw the movie a few days ago. Thor always looks glorious with the armor and red cape. Gold eye patches are probably the next fad for rappers and Loki always looks like he’s about to walk down some intergalactic red carpet for an event.

The story line was nothing to write home about, but the action makes you forget the lack of originality most of the time. Superhero movies always deal with some type of pseudo-science and Thor 2 is jam packed with it. The words, realms and dimensions were tossed around pretty frequently, so be prepared to be semi-confused or just curious if they could be real (who’s to say?).

All in all Thor: The Dark World was a fun and exciting experience and that’s the main goal of a superhero movie. Leaving the audience to daydream in their cars on the ride home about flying, smashing suckers with a giant hammer, kissing Natalie Portman or having 6-pack abs.  For those of you who are new to my rating system, it’s a bit different and impossible to make total sense of. I don’t fuck with stars or thumbs – I use cookies, because I love cookies so dearly (but who doesn’t). In conclusion I give Thor: The Dark World 3 cookies; one sugar cookie shaped like a hammer, two gingerbread women in the likeness of Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings and wash it all down with a goblet of milk. If anyone tries to touch your cookies just slap their hand away and shout “YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS” (one more MC Hammer reference for road!).

Keep smiling, folks.

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