Glenn Beck's Voice is Paralyzed, World Rejoices

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Damn, karma is certainly a bitch.

Poor Glenn Beck. His “doctors told him on Friday … that his vocal cords were paralyzed,” a fact he expressed on a recent episode of his show (let’s play along and call it a ‘show’). Not that he actually said those words; in fact, he had chosen to do a cold open with him silently shuffling through handwritten cards at his desk, all while dramatic music played in the background.

The former Fox News host (and full-time fear monger) seemed to milk the episode for maximum effect, as is his modus operandi. No doubt he was opportunistic of his own vocal demise, if only because he had no other choice.

Even Beck seemed to concede that he had it coming to him to a certain extent, with a little nod to the terrible things he’s used his vocal cords for in the past.

“It made me think ‘what is left for me to say?’ ” said Beck’s cue cards. “I’ve said a lot, in fact over 89 million words! How many have been of value? Or positive? Or made a difference? How many would I want to take back? Many I’d bet.”

Now, old Glenn and I might just disagree on what words ought to be taken back (“fascist,” or maybe “Kenyan?”). I would give him credit for at least starting to try to come back to Earth a bit, but the whole scene quickly dissolves back to one of his pity party monologues making hay out of his trip back from alcoholism.

“How many were even well thought out?” he continued. “89,000,000 is a lot of words! Some were taken out of context, and some didn’t need to be… Before I changed my life & sobered up many of my words were VILE. Back then I used to say mean things about others, to make myself feel better about me.”

Yeah, right. ‘Back then.’

Honestly, it sounds like he’s trying to set up another book with this crap.

I don’t buy it for a second.

But don’t just listen to me. Watch for yourself:

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