Battle Scars of a Box Office Vixen
“There is no such thing as a stupid question.”
Ha! Yeah right, that’s not true. Having worked in venues and festivals for the better part of 7 years now, I’ve seen it all and heard it all from patrons at shows. It constantly amazes me how many questions people ask that could easily find the answers to if they simply read and paid attention to their surroundings.
Allow me to share some insight so that you can enjoy the show, get in faster, and avoid becoming someone that the venue staff pokes fun at once they walk away (I’m probably breaking some secret code by stating this, but yes, ooooh yes, we do have our hall of fame of difficult customer moments, secret email chains, inside jokes, tumblrs, and we immortalize assholes/dipshits on the walls of employee vestibules/box offices). Sorry, it’s the truth. Here we go.
Be an informed consumer. Know what company you used to purchase your tickets (there are agencies other than Ticketmaster). If it’s not the same ticketing agency the venue uses and if you’re not the original purchaser, then you more than likely bought fake tickets.
If you chose to buy tickets from a scalper, don’t be surprised when they scan as invalid. Yes, you got ripped off. Deal with your decision. It’s called the consequences of your own actions. Do not whine to the box office, security or any staff asking if there’s something that they can do to help you out. There’s a reason why the show is advertised as SOLD OUT. That means that the venue has no more tickets left for purchase.
Which brings me to my next point:
Don’t ask the box office for a sold out show if they have tickets for sale. I know it’s tough news to hear, but asking “Really? Not even just one ticket?” is not going to magically warm our hearts and allow you to enter without a ticket. Plus, if you ask that question, as soon as you leave, we reenact strangling you and end up talking shit about you for a good 5 minutes, or well, until the next person comes up and asks the same fucking question (in which case we again have to act like it’s the first time we’re hearing that question).
Don’t sell tickets to others in front of the box office. The venue is a place of business and it is very disrespectful. Would you sit down at a restaurant and pull out food from another café and start eating it at the table? Then don’t do it at the venue.
Don’t ask, “Is there a bar inside the venue?” Just think about that in your head for a moment. Think a venue makes money through ticket sales alone? That’s cute and you’re adorable.
Don’t drink or take drugs in the line you’re standing in before the venue opens the doors – especially if you are under age. No matter how sneaky you think you are being, the staff is a lot more observant than you realize. We’ve already seen you, and will deny entry once you get up to the security check.
Have ID out by the time you get to the front of the line. Don’t ask, “But I thought it was an all ages show?” Security is asking for it in order to give you a drinking wristband, not to allow entrance into the show (that’s what your concert tickets are for). Bartenders serve numerous people in a loud, dark room. Wristbands help expedite your drinking process. They are an easy way for bartenders to know whether or not to serve you. What a novel idea! Next time, don’t act like you have no idea why you are being carded at a place that serves alcohol.
That being said, if you are a minor (meaning under 21), expect some form of stamp or marker on your hands. Sorry, I know it sucks. I had to go through it when I was underage. Just roll with it. Have your hands outstretched and ready to get a nice temporary tattoo of an X – no need to show your ID.
Please, please, please don’t be a dick and try to crack some joke about how old you are followed by all the reasons why we shouldn’t be asking you to show ID. There are hundreds, if not thousands of people, behind you and the venue staff has 1 hour to get everyone into the show. Show the ID and keep it moving. Trust me it takes 5 seconds, and I promise I won’t get your arm hairs when putting on the wristband. Oh and guys, quick tip on the wristbands: turn your wrist over rather than telling us to “watch the hair”. There’s less hair, if any at all, on that side of your wrist.
When security takes your fake ID don’t act like it’s real. Don’t tell us to scan the ID either. Some fake IDs scan so that is not the only thing we check for. That may be hard to grasp for a generation where computers do all of the thinking, but guess what? We use our human brains too! I can spot a fake ID as its being pulled out of the wallet.
If you get kicked out, don’t bitch to us about it. Don’t try to buy another ticket. Don’t change clothes and try to come back to the concert posing as someone else. Don’t offer us money in exchange for letting you in.
During the winter months, don’t ask the outside staff if they are cold. Fuck yes we are, but it’s our job. It’s what we do. We’re just trying to help you get in as fast as possible so that you can enjoy the show and get warm.
Don’t tell the staff to get a real job. What is a real job? You perform some type of task and collect a paycheck. Oh, it sounds like a real job then.
If you make a purchase with a large bill and see a bartender or box office staffer check it with a counterfeit pen, don’t say, “It’s real. I just made it myself today”. It’s not funny. It’s not original. And sadly, it’s not the first time we’ve heard that joke.
Do know how to go to a show. If someone is standing up or singing along to the songs, don’t get mad or feel like it’s ruining your experience. You are in a public place. Learn how to co-exist with people. This isn’t a library, nor is it an opera. Now, there are exceptions to these rules – say like for instance a Damien Rice concert. If people are loudly talking throughout the whole show, feel free to make them shut up. You have my blessing.
Don’t say, “Oh I thought the show starts at 8” – expecting to see the headliner at 8. Yes, artists take the stage and start entertaining the crowd at that time, but they are the openers. Here’s how it works: Doors are generally 1 hour before the show starts so that people don’t all arrive at the same time. This allows a good window for people to trickle in and for the venue to get the majority of patrons in. Unless your ticket states “an evening with,” 99.9% of the time there is an opener (if not 2 openers) before the headline act.
I’ve probably thrown a lot at you, but I hope that some of these suggestions will help you in the future to speed through security and will call lines and secure a great spot at the concert.
Laura Sisul can be reached at misssisul@gmail.com.